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Comedy Network

If God Were Process-Oriented

The following bit of fluff, author unknown, was sent to us by Abbie Jane Wells of Juneau, Alaska, who received it from W. H."Ping" Ferry of Scarsdale, N.Y. We pass it on to WITNESS readers, and will be happy to provide attribution in a future issue should anyone out there know its source.

If God were process-oriented, the Book of Genesis would read something like this:

"ln the beginning God created the heavens the earth." The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. God fully balanced the committee by race, sex, ethnic origins, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to the adjudicatory guidelines. Even God was impressed. So ended the first day.

And God said: "Let this committee draw up a mission statement." And behold the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called this " process empowerment," and God thought it sounded pretty good. Evening and morning were the second day.

And God said: "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-range planning." Unfortunately, a debate as to the semantic differences between goals and objectives preempted almost all of the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the process was constructive. Evening and morning were the third day.

And God said: "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision functional organization and engage in planning, being objective." The committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program directions. And God said that it was good. And God thought it was worth all the coffee and doughnuts. So ended the fourth day.

God said: "Let this committee be implemented consistent with long range planning and strategy and commitments, and consider guidelines and linkages and structural sensitivities and alternatives and implemental models." And God saw this was very democratic. So would have ended the fifth day except for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.

On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment and evaluation. This wasn't on the agenda that God had planned. God was unable to attend the meeting, having to take the afternoon off to create day and night, heaven and earth, seas, plants, trees, seasons, years, sun, moon, earth, fish, animals, and human beings.

On the seventh day, God rested and the committee submitted its recommendations. As it turned out, the committee recommended forms for things identical to the way God had already created them. So the committee passed a resolution commending God for God's implementation according to the guidelines. It was expressed (very quietly of course) in some opinions that mankind should have been created in the committee's image.

And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee.

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